Why Do I Avoid My Feelings? Understanding Emotional Shutdowns and Healing
- Jennifer Bonilla
- Oct 20
- 7 min read
The Moment You Shut Down
You ever shut down mid-conversation, go blank, or suddenly feel “fine” even when you’re not?
Maybe you crack a joke, change the subject, or just… go quiet.
You’re not broken for doing that. Most people don’t turn off their emotions because they don’t care; they do it because, at some point, it wasn’t safe to feel.
Many of us were raised to hold it together, be grateful, and not make things “about us.”But holding it together often meant holding everything in.
What Emotional Avoidance Really Means
Emotional avoidance isn’t denial, it’s protection.
It happens when our nervous system learns that feeling = threat, because in the past, emotions might have led to yelling, guilt, or rejection.
Avoidance can look like:
Staying logical when things get hard
Numbing with work or distractions
Laughing things off
Avoiding people who feel “too emotional”
Only feeling safe when you’re calm or in control
In therapy, I don’t look at avoidance as a flaw, simply your body’s way of saying, “I’m trying to stay safe.”
Why We Shut Down Emotionally
When you “shut down,” your body isn’t failing you; it’s protecting you. The nervous system senses threat (emotional or physical) and activates survival responses:
Fight: snapping, arguing, or defensiveness.
Flight: distracting, staying busy, or withdrawing.
Freeze: zoning out, going numb, or feeling disconnected.
Fawn: people-pleasing to keep the peace.
In shutdown, your body slows down, your heart rate drops, your mind fogs, and words feel far away. It’s your body saying, “This feels too much right now, let’s pause.”
In therapy, I often see clients who don’t realize they’ve shut down until hours later. It’s not avoidance, it’s the body’s way of saying, “I’m overloaded right now.” Your system isn’t broken; it’s protecting you.
The Purpose of Emotions
Most of us were never taught what emotions actually do. They’re not weaknesses or overreactions; they’re messengers.
Each one has a job:
Sadness slows us down so we can heal.
Anger protects our boundaries.
Fear warns us of danger.
Joy connects us to others.
Guilt helps us realing with our values.
When we stop seeing emotions as “too much” and start seeing them as information, we can respond instead of react.
How Family, Culture, and Perfectionism Shape Emotional Avoidance
“Go to your room until you’re calm."
“Stop crying, you’re fine."
”Sound familiar?
Many of us grew up in homes where emotions weren’t named, explained, or accepted. In many Latin families (and others, too), joy and laughter might have been celebrated, but anger, sadness, or fear were often discouraged, especially for children.
Messages like “crying is weak” or “you have no right to be angry at your parents” teach us that some emotions are dangerous or shameful. So we suppress, avoid, or explode, depending on what we learned was “allowed.”
Our families rarely set out to teach emotional avoidance. Most were simply doing the best they could with what they were taught, to stay strong, not cry, and keep moving. The good news? Awareness lets us choose differently.
Shame, Fear, and Perfectionism
Shame says, “Something’s wrong with me for feeling this way.”
Fear says, “If I show emotion, I’ll be judged or rejected.”
Perfectionism whispers, “If I look like I have it together, I’ll be safe.”
All three are different forms of emotional avoidance. They protect us from vulnerability, but they also block connection. What once helped us survive can eventually isolate us from ourselves and others.
When you’ve lived through emotional chaos, control feels like peace. Emotional neutrality can even feel healthy because it keeps anxiety low.
You might even feel allergic to deep conversations, like, “Why do people need to talk about everything?”
It makes sense. Avoidance works, until it doesn’t. It keeps things calm, but it also keeps you disconnected.
The Cost of Avoiding Your Feelings
At first, avoidance works. You get relief, calm, space. But the longer you rely on it, the smaller your emotional world becomes.
Emotionally, you may feel numb or detached.
Physically, you might notice headaches, fatigue, or tightness in your body.
Relationally, you might struggle to communicate, keep conversations surface-level, or feel unseen by loved ones.
Avoidance doesn’t delete emotion; it buries it. And buried emotions tend to resurface, often louder, through burnout, anxiety, or resentment.
You end up managing your emotions like a full-time job, but you never really get to rest.
The Push-Pull of Avoidance
You might crave closeness but dread being vulnerable. You might know all the coping strategies, but still feel unsafe using them. That’s not resistance, that’s protection.
Many therapists describe this as emotional ambivalence; part of you wants connection, and part of you fears it. Both parts have good reasons.
Anger and Emotion as Information
Anger isn’t a loss of control; it’s a signal that something doesn’t feel right. When anger shows up after being dismissed or unheard, it’s your body saying, “My boundaries matter.”
The goal isn’t to get rid of anger, it’s to listen to it.
Therapy helps you separate feeling anger from acting on anger, so the emotion becomes information instead of chaos.
The Recipe Metaphor
I often describe reconnecting with emotions like seasoning a recipe.
When you’re cooking something new, you don’t dump all the salt or sugar in at once; you start small, taste, and adjust. You’re aiming for balance, not perfection.
It’s the same with emotions. Reconnecting isn’t about diving all the way in or shutting down. It’s about noticing, “Does this feel too strong? Too muted? What happens if I add a little curiosity?”
If you add too much, instead of tossing the whole dish, rebalance by adding something grounding and keep going. Emotional awareness works best in small, intentional doses, not an all-or-nothing flavour explosion.
And if it still ends up too salty? Well, worst case, you grab your phone and order takeout. Even then, you tried, noticed, and learned something for next time.
How to Reconnect With Your Emotions (and Stop Avoiding Them)
Healing happens when emotions are met with safety instead of shame. When we finally experience care, acceptance, or understanding in moments that used to feel unsafe, that’s when things begin to shift.
It’s what we sometimes call “undoing aloneness,” realizing you don’t have to face every feeling on your own.
You don’t have to dive into the deep end of emotion. Healing often starts with noticing the shallow ripples, the sighs, the tension, the small flickers of feeling that show your body is beginning to trust you again.
Start Small
We don’t begin with the hardest feeling. We start with noticing. Tight shoulders? Knotted stomach? Racing thoughts? That’s your body talking.
Simply naming what’s happening (“I feel tense,” “I feel unsure”) builds awareness and safety.
Even a slow breath, a brief pause, or shifting your posture can help your body realize it’s safe enough to stay present.
Gentle Ways to Identify Feelings
Try a body check-in once a day, even for 30 seconds.
Use an emotion wheel to expand your vocabulary.
Replace “I don’t know” with “Maybe…”
→ “Maybe I feel off.”
→ “Maybe I’m frustrated.”
If emotions feel heavy, steady yourself with a small grounding cue, notice your feet on the floor, take one slow breath, or look around the room to remind yourself you’re here and safe.
You’re not trying to be right, just real. Every time you pause to notice instead of avoid, you’re strengthening your capacity to feel, safely, and at your own pace.
How Therapy Helps You Feel Safe With Your Emotions
Therapy helps you move at the speed of safety, not urgency. We don’t rush into deep emotions; we build the capacity to feel them. Avoidance developed for a reason, therapy helps you understand that reason, thank it, and learn new ways to stay present when things feel hard.
In therapy, I often see clients who know exactly what to do but still don’t feel safe doing it.That’s not resistance, that’s protection.Your nervous system doesn’t respond to logic; it responds to safety.You don’t need to “try harder” to feel, you need to feel safer. And that takes time.
Therapy isn’t about forcing tears or dredging up pain. It’s about building a space where your emotions finally feel safe enough to exist. When that happens, you start sighing more, saying “I felt hurt” instead of “I’m fine,” or crying without apologizing, all small signs that your system finally trusts that emotions are safe to feel.
Moving Forward
Avoidance isn’t weakness; it was wisdom, at least at one time. It protected you when you didn’t have language, support, or space.
But as you grow, you get to decide: Does this still serve me?
Feeling your emotions doesn’t make you lose control. It’s actually how you regain it. Because when you can name what you feel and care for yourself through it, you’re no longer ruled by the emotion; you’re in a relationship with it.
Reconnecting with emotions isn’t about reliving the past; it’s about transforming how your body and mind respond to it, moving from pain to possibility.
A Gentle Reminder
Feeling doesn’t break you; it frees you.
Avoidance was never a weakness; it was protection.
Healing isn’t about forcing yourself to feel; it’s about slowly rebuilding trust with your body, one emotion at a time.
Because “safe” doesn’t have to mean “numb.”
Healing isn’t a solo project; it’s something we build, one safe moment at a time. If you want to keep reflecting on these ideas, you can join my monthly letter, Dear Overthinker, for gentle insights and tools to stay connected to yourself.
And if you’re ready for guided support, you can book a therapy consultation here
With Kindness,
